Operation TP
by thirty2flavors
Summary: A parody of Action films. The competent Agent Kurk and his slinky sidekick go on a mission to save the world's... supply of toilet paper! Rated for: Sexual jokes [yes, I am very sick], language, violence


_A/N: I wrote this fic based on a simple, light fun RP I did with my friends once. It served to entertain us for many a day. Yes, we are very sick. It's meant for a comic purpose,meant solely to be funny. If you don't have our twisted sense of humor it might not be. But that's not my problem. So…yeah. It's really long, I know. R/R, I guess. Uh yeah. Enjoy. Flames will be mocked. =D   
  
Rated for: Sexual content (as in jokes, not… racy scenes), language, violence (kinda)_

There once was a man, well, gelert, so charming and suave he could have any woman he wanted. He was keen and agile, swift and smart, and was deadly in hand-to-hand combat. He had it all – brains, brawns, and luck in love. But even that was not all. He was also a dedicated secret agent. He saved the world before society knew it needed saving. When a hero was needed, he rose to the occasion. And so, when the dreadful Dr. Bladinsnoot and his contemptuous crony Liggifer came up with a threat to civilization itself, the agency didn't have a second thought as to who would be on the job.

  
Unfortunately, he was tied up in a drug smuggling con in North Korea.  
  
So, they called on number two. The second best. The runner up, almost-there, not-quite-top, soon-to-be, the best of the rest. They called on Agent Kurk.  
  
Kurk, known the outside world as Moon, was not quite suave, nor charming, and not really polite, but he got the job done. The thing about Kurk was he tended to overlook the obvious – like the fact that the pretty girl with the knife probably isn't free on Saturday. He also refused to work anything but solo. Unlike the number 1, he hated assistants. He was anti-social, and didn't like having to look after some one else's ass. The agency was reluctant to send some one solo in an important mission, and so, for most times in his life, Kurk was always second. Though he managed to get himself out of the jams he got into (well…most of the time), the agency wouldn't trust him with anything this big. There wasn't much room for the second-to-best in an agency so vital. That is, until they had no choice.  
  
It all started one Wednesday, when he walked into work to find his superior, a lupe who was a few cronies short of a gang, eagerly awaiting him. When he walked in, Lupin threw his hands into the air and slapped him on the back.

"Ahh, Kurk. How long has it been since your last assignment?"  
Kurk blinked, wondering if he should count the one in which he had to get Lupin a bagel in less than two minutes. 

"A while," Kurk admitted, wondering what they had in mind this time. "Why?"  
Lupin strode to Kurk's desk and sat himself down promptly, seemingly not noticing there was only one chair in the room.    
"Well, Kurk, we've got an urgent mission for you this time," Lupin said gravely, chewing on a muffin. "It seems the world's supply of toilet paper has been mercilessly stolen!"  
Kurk stared. Then he blinked. And stared. Then, he said: "What?"

"We received word from the other nations today. They're all completely out of toiletry supplies! The world is plunging into chaos, and we need you to save it."  
Kurk felt a feeling of pride mix with his feeling of utter shock and confusion. Lupin rose, and pulled from his pocket a small remote control. He pressed a large button on it, and a screen flopped down before him and Kurk. He pressed another button, and it promptly began playing…

…the playboy channel. Kurk's face distorted with surprise and Lupin yet out a yelp, instantly insisting it must be his new assistant. He then pressed another button, and on came the intended show. Before them, was a picture of a desert lupe with a cold, hard stare. Behind him, a white lupe with blue hair and what appeared to be a beard. 

"Dr. Bladinsnoot and his associate, Liggifer," Lupin narrated. "The agency's been after them for months, but they always slip between our fingers. The two have been working together for …an amount of time and sources say they might be more than associates. They both swing that way, you know?" Lupin chuckled and looked at Kurk, but Kurk just looked disturbed. 

"Aha…yeah. Anyway, the two have remained quiet for a while until now. They released an untraceable note saying they're the ones responsible for this horror, and unless we pay them a large sum they refuse to relinquish the papery necessity."  
Kurk frowned, staring at the picture before him. "What do you mean, untraceable?" He questioned, looking over at Lupin. Lupin shrugged. "It had no return address."  
Kurk stared blankly. Lupin cleared his throat, and continued.  
"You're our only hope, Kurk. You start immediately. An agency car is waiting for you outside." At this, Lupin reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, tossing it at Kurk who caught it deftly.

"Aie aie, mon Capitan." With that, Kurk turned swiftly and headed for the door.

"Kurk? Just one last thing –"  
Kurk paused, and turned on his heel. "What?" He asked, voice itching with anticipation.   
"We got you an assistant for this one."  
Kurk shook his head. "You did what?"  
"She's good! She's fresh out of the academy, and"-   
Lupin was cut off. Kurk had bristled.  
"What? Why? You know I work alone!"  
Lupin shook his head. "Kurk, you need one for this. You can't pull it off alone. No one can. You're not that good. Besides, you'd like her. A lot."  
Kurk narrowed his eyes. "I'm not sacrificing my work routine for a broad who just wants to live on the edge." With that, he turned on his heel again and stormed out. Lupin sighed, shook his head, and turned on the playboy channel.   
  


On the flip side, things were going well. Dr. Bladinsnoot stormed into the room, throwing his arms into the air triumphantly.

"Alas," he cried, "finally, a plan not gone awry! The world cannot handle life without toilet paper, I know it! I feel their fear! Soon they will all quiver before the toilet-paper owning SHADOW VAN BLADINSNOOT!"  
It was at this moment Liggifer entered. He cast a curious glance at Dr. Bladinsnoot, then stared off into the distance for a second. He seemed to be in deep thought.  
"Hmm…Dr Bladinsnoot?"  
Bladinsnoot turned to stare at his evil henchlupe. "What?" He demanded quirking a brow and nervously fingering the dagger in his pocket. Liggifer looked at him. "Do you think we could steal the world's supply of condoms, too?"  
Bladinsnoot stared. Then he left the room very, very quickly. Liggifer shrugged. "_That's _what I wanna see. A world without condoms." His eyes glazed over and he, too, left.   
  
Meanwhile, at a completely innocent bar called Hooters, Kurk was glancing around suspiciously. He felt a slight vibration on his wrist and noticed Lupin was trying to contact him. Muttering something, he pressed a button and stepped into a dserted corner.  
 "Beware the pretty faces you may find. A pretty face can hide an evil mind. Oh, and be careful what you say, or you'll give yourself away," Lupin said with finality, "Oh, and remember: odds are you won't live to see tomorrow."  
Kurk quirked a brow. "Didn't you just quote an entire verse of 'Secret Agent Man'?"  
Lupin buzzed off. Kurk shook his head. Pondering the chiefs' advice, he glanced around Hooters. There were plenty of pretty faces, and none looked imposing. Then, he saw her. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a female gelert clad in a long black trench coat sitting alone in a deserted corner. He raised an eyebrow. If any of the girls looked like assassins, it was her. She kept glancing around the room, as if looking for something. He noticed there was an unusual lump in the one side of her coat. A gun? Making a mental note to watch out for her, he walked over to the bar and took a seat. He ordered a drink, which was delivered by a slinky fire femme, whose skirt was dangerously short. 

"One martini, stirred, not shaken," She bent at the hip, leaning on the bar and swaying her ass. Kurk raised an eyebrow and blinked as the waitress proceeded to drape herself on him. 

"Hello…" Moon said, slightly awkwardly. She giggled and stood up, fiddling with the collar of his shirt. She winked and walked over to a door, swinging it open and motioning to the bedroom inside it. Kurk blinked, and then followed, because _any _man who had any interest in females would've. Upon his arrival, the girl, who's name tag read '_Trail, beb ^~'_, winked once again. She walked behind him and drapped herself over him once more.

"Close your eyes," Trail instructed playfully, putting one hand over his eyes anyways. Kurk grinned and nodded. Trail smiled rather sadistically, shoved her hand down her low-cut top and pulled out…a knife. She smirked to herself and put it to Kurk's throat.  
"Open them, you horny idiot."  
Kurk blinked at the cold feeling of metal pressed against his neck. "What the f—"

"Shut up. You're not very smart for a secret agent, are you? Honestly, do you think there are any good-intentioned hooters girls in America?"

Knife tip still pointing at Kurk's jugular, Trail walked around in front of him and…stripped her top.

"Can I say something or will you kill me?"  
Trail pointed out he already had, in fact, said something, but to go ahead.

"Why are you stripping before you kill me?"

Trail rolled her eyes as if it should be obvious. "Well duh, there's a camera in my bra."  
Kurk stared. "..Oh." Trail let out a demonic cackle, brushing a strand of rainbow hair from her eyes. "And now you die."  
Kurk gulped and closed his eyes as the dagger was pressed more firmly into his neck, when -  
  


"STOP!"   
Kurk opened his eyes and Trail swung her head towards the doorway. Standing there was the gelert in the trench coat, the gun Kurk suspected she had firmly pointed at Trail. Trail hissed and narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, sure," she muttered, "Good _always gets the lucky break."   
Gellie smirked. "We're just that good."  
Trail glared. "Well, lets see you get out of __this one." Trail threw her head back and let a long hoot like an owl. Kurk and the female gelert exchanged glances.   
"Okay then…"  
It was at that moment the female gelert was knocked forward by two more hooters' girls - one, a skinny cyborg dressed in a fucked shirt/skirt thing, and the other an ass-kicking Spanish chic'. Trail cackled as the Spanish Jakie put a high-heel clad foot in the middle of the girl gelert's back to prevent escape, and cyborg Zeni grabbed the gun and began stroking it. Kurk blinked and the female gelert groaned. Trail cackled. Zeni stroked. Jakie stood. Kurk gulped. The female gelert sighed. Trail cackled. Zeni stroked. Jakie stood. Kurk gulped…well, you get the point. _

"Did you alert the boss?" Jakie questioned. Trail pointed to her bra-cam. Zeni stared.

"Smile, you're on Trail's bra camera!"  
Kurk raised an eyebrow. And then, because he was a super-duper secret agent and Trail wasn't looking, he kicked her in the stomach and sent her reeling. Using this as her cue, the female gelert grabbed a knife from her pocket and with it cut off Jakie's one heel, causing her to trip and fall. Zeni growled and launched herself at the gelert, screeching "BITCH!", but was stopped when Kurk leaped at her and was suspended in mid air before kicking her in the face in a great move worthy of the Matrix. Zeni gasped and pulled out a dagger, leaping at Kurk…and missing. There was a loud thud as she hit the wall. the female gelert quirked a brow, picked up her gun, and pointed it at Jakie. 

"Ha ha," the female gelert said, raising an eyebrow. Jakie glared.

"Pfft, catch me if you can!" She reached down into her…top and pulled out something and threw it at the ground. The room was engulfed in a thick smoke. Kurk and the female gelert coughed as the smoke filled the room, then faded. Jakie was in the same position as before. She muttered. 

"It works in the moves."  
And then she ran like hell when the female gelert and Kurk exchanged a glance

  
All the while, Bladinsnoot was watching via his cleverly named Bra-cam, which had been cleverly designed by the evil Wato, the computer genius who just so happened to be evil.

"Uh…we're loosing transmission," Wato called to Bladinsnoot. Bladinsnoot growled. 

"What? Why?" Bladinsnoot demanded. 

"Dunno. The camera's still working, but there appears to be smoke inside the room…wait…it's clearing. Jakie's gone, but the agent's are still alive."

"No!" He cried as the female gelert and Kurk brushed themselves off, "They were not supposed to live!"  
Liggifer stared. "Maybe they're invincible."   
Bladinsnoot raised a brow and stared at Liggifer, pointing out that nothing they sustained was life threatening and probably weren't immortal. Liggifer shrugged, for apparently he didn't care. Bladinsnoot's eyes narrowed dangerously. They had lived. His clever plot failed! The whores didn't finish the task! He groaned and hit his fist on a desk, before yelping and sucking his thumb which he had hurt. After getting a Band-Aid, he growled for Liggifer and said:

"I don't like that gelert. I don't like him at all. Liggy! Send out our best men to capture him."

"Okay, sir! But one thing…" Liggifer replied. Bladinsnoot looked annoyed.

"What?" 

"Our best men are busy, all we have left are some whores and me," Liggifer informed. Bladinsnoot glared.

"I don't _care_. Do it yourself, then!"   
And so Liggifer scurried out of the room.

"What did you say your name was, again?" Kurk questioned, twirling the straw in his drink.

"Gellie," the femme replied, staring him in the eye. Kurk nodded.

"You know my name, but call me Moon," he said, "It's less suspicious."  
Gellie shrugged. Moon took another sip from his drink. "So," he said, attempting to start a conversation, "you're the one fresh out of the academy."   
Gellie nodded. "I must admit, it's a large first mission, but you don't seem too eager to let me tag along."

Moon shrugged. "In all honesty I prefer working solo. But…you _did _save my ass back there, so I suppose you can tag along…"  
Gellie grinned and took another sip. "I feel so honored."   
This was followed by a long silence in which the two averted eye contact due to the OBVIOUS sexual tension between them. But not really. They just didn't have anything to talk about. Moon coughed, loudly. Gellie twiddled her thumbs. Moon opened his mouth, then shut it, then opened it again and said:

"So…how's your…spleen?"  
Gellie raised an eyebrow. "It's uh…good."  
Moon nodded. "That's good."  
The silence reigned once more. The silence was then mercifully ended by a buzzing vibration on Moon's wrist.

"Hello?" Moon and Gellie said at the same time.

"AHA! A LADY, I SEE. Well, hear. HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING," Lupin stated with a wink that neither Gellie nor Moon could see. Moon stared.

"It's Agent Gellie, sir," Gellie stated. Lupin blinked.

"OH. MOON, I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK YOU," He screamed, seemingly unaware they could hear him – quite clearly.

"Er…yes, sir?"

"HAVE YOU SEEN MY GLASSES?"  
Moon stared. "Uh…no sir."

"DAMN. WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR TIME. BY THE WAY, THE GIRL SOUNDS HOT. RAWR."   
He signed off. Moon twitched. He then looked at Gellie.

"I admire you for being female and working under Lupin." He stated. Gellie grimaced and shrugged. 

There was yet another vibration, as Lupin screamed:

"MOON! CAN I TALK TO YOU ALONE?"  
Moon blinked. "Yes, sir." He shrugged at Gellie and strode a few steps away from the table at which they were seated. "Yes?"  
"MOON, I THINK YOU SHOULD –"  
"Sir?"  
"WHAT?" Lupin screamed.  
"Could you please…not yell?"  
"OKAY."  
Moon groaned.  
"ANYWAYS, MOON, I THINK YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW GELLIE," he said loudly.  
"Er…why? Didn't you always say it's not good to be attached, because then you do stupid things?"  
"WHAT?" Lupin asked, "NO, THAT WAS SOME ONE ELSE. YOU KNOW, MOON, LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. IN FACT, LOVE IS COLDER THAN DEATH. BUT NONETHE LESS, LOVE IS IN THE AIR."  
"…what?"  
"ASK HER TO DANCE, MOON."  
Moon blinked. Why was he being ordered to dance with his associate?   
"Uh…"

"THAT'S AN ORDER, MOON." And Lupin buzzed off. Moon groaned. Gellie was nice, but…dancing? She was a co-worker! Swallowing what appeared to be his pride and dignity, he walked back over to Gellie. Rubbing the back of his neck and feeling like he was back in high school, he said awkwardly:  
 "Um…would you like to dance?"

Liggifer stared out the window of the helicopter, being craftily piloted by technologically inclined Wato. 

"Almost there," Wato said, "I'm picking up the signal of Kurk's time notifier."  
Liggifer blinked and looked at the pilot. "His whatchamahoowie?"  

"Er…his watch. He uses it as a communication device, but they're not very good at encoding the signal. Anyone with five years experience tracking minute microwaves can easily –" Wato stopped as he noticed Liggifer paying no attention to him whatsoever. Liggifer's tongue rolled out slowly.

"Mmm…microwave popcorn…"  
Wato raised an eyebrow and went back to flying.

Gellie and Moon sat back down, Gellie looking slightly exhausted. She smiled. 

"You're not a bad dancer."   
Moon grinned. "You're not bad yourself."   
Gellie smiled, and Moon coughed. There was a pause, when:

"So…uh…if we…live, I was wondering…er…"  
Buzz.

"MOON?"

Moon sighed and Gellie blinked.

"Yes, sir?"

"MOON!" 

"I can hear you, sir," Moon admitted, quirking a brow. 

"GOOD. CAN I SPEAK TO YOU ALONE…AGAIN?"  
Moon groaned and walked around the corner. "Yes, sir?"

"I JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT BLADINSNOOT MIGHT BE PLANNING TO ABDUCT YOU OR AGENT JELLY. DON'T LET HER OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!" 

"Okay, thanks for the warning sir, but why was I supposed to be alone for this?" 

"WHAT? YOU'RE ALONE? FOOL, I JUST TOLD YOU TO NOT LET HER OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!" 

"…shit."  
With that, Moon dashed back towards the table – just in time to see the demonic Liggifer grab Gellie from behind, place a hand over her mouth, and drag her into the conveniently placed helicopter. Moon darted towards them, but the plane was off the ground before he had a chance. He sighed and shook his head, watching the helicopter rise up.

"MOON?" 

Moon gulped, attempting to ward off the unwelcome feeling of worry. 

"Yes, sir?" 

"ONE MORE THING." 

"What?" Moon asked, rather irritably. 

"CAN YOU GET ME A NEW PAIR OF SOCKS?"

Moon twitched and headed over to K-Mart. 

While Moon continued his quest for Lupin's socks, Bladinsnoot eagerly awaited the arrival of his evil compatriots and their new hostage. 

"Honey, I'm ho-ome!" Liggifer shouted, bursting into the room. Wato stepped in behind him, currently testing out his latest and greatest high-tech restraint devices on Gellie. Gellie snorted at Liggifer. 

"Honey, I'm ho_mo_ would've been more accurate," she said, adding a sweet smile to the vindictive words. Liggifer winked, then left Gellie to figure out why. Bladinsnoot turned around. 

"Aha, you return victori--…who is that?" He said, pointing a bandaged finger at Gellie. Liggifer raised an eyebrow. 

"That's the gelert."   
Bladinsnoot stared. This gelert was female, glaring, and rainbow-y. His eye twitched.

"Um, no, I meant the OTHER ONE."   
Liggifer blinked, then looked at Gellie, then back at Bladinsnoot. "Oh. Oops."  
Bladinsnoot rubbed his temple.  

"Oh well," he said, casting a malevolent stare at Gellie, "I suppose she'll serve well as a hostage."  
This was followed by an eruption of evil cackling from all in the building besides Gellie, who raised an eyebrow and looked around. When the over-stretched cackling stopped, Gellie blinked.

"How was that funny?"  
There was a silence as everyone realized they had no good answer, and shrugged.

Moon walked up to the cashier with a K-Mart bag full of seven bags of socks. The rather busty cashier blinked, brushing a strand of oddly familiar rainbow hair from her eyes. 

"You have a sock fetish or something?" She said, ringing them in and staring at him oddly. Moon smirked and drawled unenthusiastically: 

"Yes. I am incredibly turned on by socks. They are the epitome of sexiness. Meow." He paid for the bag and swiftly left the K-Mart. The cashier waited until he had left the building, before winking at the cashier beside her with the pink hair, who winked at the cashier beside her, and the three grinned. 

"Doctor?" 

"What?" Bladinsnoot snapped, turning away from his beloved porn. Wato wheeled around in his chair and continued talking. 

"We got word from our secret, underground mafia."    
Bladinsnoot stared for a moment.  

"Uh…which one?"

Wato turned again for a moment and then called out the quick reply: K-Mart.

"They spotted Kurk. He bought a plethora of socks. Luckily, I had the foresight to plant a small tracking device on all footwear in K-Mart branches across America. We're tracking him as we speak."  
Bladinsnoot rubbed his hands together in an evil manner. 

"Alright! Wato, take our strongest forces and some whores and get me that matrix-moving bastard."  
Wato shrugged. "Whatever you say, boss."  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Wato was skillfully landing their multi-purpose helicopter as the rest of the ambush plotted. Liggifer ordered the troops out, and the demonic troops stormed the building. The whores lead the way in, as a distraction for the agencies' guards. Using the tracking device as a guide, they found the room.

"He's in here," Wato whispered, nodding to the door. On the count of three, they burst open the door and saw…

…Lupin, surrounded by several beautiful women, watching porn and drinking vodka. Each of the lovely ladies happened to be wearing socks. Only socks, that is. The evil compatriots stared, taking a few moments to regain their sense after the shock of neither capturing Kurk nor finding some one who appeared to be the slightest bit related to the Secret Service Agency at all. Lupin gasped and jumped up. 

"Well! How lovely you could join us," he said, smiling nervously at the armed people before him. "I hate to run, but…I'm going to run. Bye!" With that Lupin ran over to the window and out the fire escape, leaving the mob to wonder what the hell had just happened.   
  


Kurk was walking around the corner, wondering where the hell to even start, when he saw the not-so-common sight of a helicopter taking off from a random building that didn't happen to be a heliport. He instantly recognized it as the clock that Gellie had been dragged into – after all, it's not too many helicopters that fly around with "K-MART EMPLOYEES ONLY" written on the side. His eyes narrowed as he watched it soar higher and higher, when his vulgar thoughts were interrupted by yet another vibration on his watch. 

"MOON?"

"Sir, for the love of God, please cease yelling." 

"We had an ambush, Moon!" 

"You what?" Moon said, eyes widening slightly. 

"Bladinsnoot's associates stormed the building looking for you. Luckily, all they found were some er…" Lupin coughed, "ladies of questionable ethic who were inexplicably in my office."

"I see," Moon said, then informed Lupin of his helicopter sighting. 

"Very good, Moon!" Lupin said, and Moon could hear him clapping, "Anyways, come back to base, Agent U has devised a remote control car you may find very useful." 

"Okay," Moon said, envisioning the remote control car and grinning, "will-do."  
And they signed off. 

Bladinsnoot had finished yelling at his team for failing to capture Kurk, and so he was relaxing himself with some good, hardcore lesbian porno. At last, all good things come to an end, and there was a commercial break. So Bladinsnoot slipped into his bathing suit and headed to the hot tub. To his surprise and…horror, the hot tub was already occupied by Liggifer, who was in a blue thong. Oh. Dear. God.  

"Hey Snooty," Liggifer said, more silkily than Bladinsnoot was comfortable with, "care to join me?"  
Bladinsnoot blinked. For a second, he looked utterly revolted. Then he began backing away, slowly.

"Uh…that's okay, Liggifer, really," Bladinsnoot said cautiously, still edging away. Liggifer pouted and looked surprisingly hurt. Bladinsnoot blinked. 

"Oh, alright."  
Liggifer's ears perked up. "You'll join me?" He asked. Bladinsnoot shook his head. 

"No, but I'll get one of my minions to find some one for you."  
Liggifer shrugged, and grinned. 

Moon arrived at the agency and was instantly greeted by Lupin.  

"Ah, Kurk," he said, patting Moon on the back. "I really feel this new technologic breakthrough will help you in your quest." Lupin clapped his hands and called for U. All people within earshot turned.  Lupin rolled his eyes. 

"No, not _you, U!"  
Everyone remained staring at Lupin. _

"Are you deaf? I CALLED FOR U!"  
Everyone stared. Moon coughed.  

"Um, sir, you might want to point out you mean _agent__ U."_

"I knew that. AGENT U, UNLEASH THE CAR!"   
And so, a Lupe in a torn and burnt lab coat entered, goggles on his eyes. In his hands, a small remote control.  

"Stand back!" U ordered, swinging out an arm to shove Moon and Lupin back a few steps. U took to the controls and with a loud roar, a shiny and sleek red car rolled in.  
  
Unfortunately, it was the size of your average Hot-Wheels remote control toy. Moons just stared, eyebrows raised and jaw ajar slightly. Lupin clapped his hands…again. 

"Isn't it wonderful? It'll make traveling so much easier!"   
Moon, however, remained speechless. 

"Have a seat," U insisted, motioning to the car. Moon didn't move. Lupin shoved him a bit, then left to go do something, and with a rather audible groan Moon sat atop the car. 

"And now, I shall drive you to your destination!"  
The car shook, and with what appeared to be its entire force took Moon forward at a top speed of 5 miles per hour. Moon waited a minute, and then turned around. U was smiling and waving. After another minute, Moon turned around again. U was still waving, and Moon had gone a total of four feet. Not surprisingly, the car went out of range and stopped. Moon stood up and brushed himself off. U shrugged. 

"I'll just have to follow you then!" He suggested perkily. Moon stared.

"Um, no, thanks," he said, raising an eyebrow, "I'd like to salvage whatever dignity I have left."  
Lupin's voice rang out from his office: 

"MOON, WHICH DRAWER IS MY UNDERWEAR IN?"  
Moon shuddered. "Never mind."  
  
Liggifer, meanwhile, was placidly lazing in the hot tub, glad to no longer be alone. Beside him was Gellie, begrudgingly shackled inside the hot tub with her flaming homosexual captor. Wait, make that bisexual. For at the moment, he was slinging an arm around her. 

"So, how's it goin', babe?" He queried. Gellie groaned and submerged her head in water. Bladinsnoot, once again experiencing a commercial break, returned. 

"Aww, how sweet," he cooed, "she's trying to drown herself."  
Liggifer snickered, apparently not realizing that was insulting to him. Bladinsnoot raised an eyebrow. 

"Here, lemme help you with that."  
He proceeded to shove both Gellie _and _Liggifer beneath the water whilst cackling insanely. In all likelihood he would've succeeded, had his little minion Lupus not ran in and informed him that his porn was back on. Shrugging, Bladinsnoot released his grip and headed back to his office. Liggifer and Gellie arose, Liggifer making melodramatic gasps of air. 

"You were uh, drowning me too you know," He stated. Bladinsnoot paused momentarily and turned around. 

"Yes…yes I was aware of that."

Moon, meanwhile, was awaiting U's next invention. While he had little faith in the quirky scientist, he figured the invention couldn't possibly be worse than the toy car. He had also given very explicit instructions as to what he wanted to be on the car, and that it need be a full-size version. And so, after 30 minutes of waiting, U arose from his top secret lab and proclaimed: 

"SUCCESS!"

Moon was awakened from his stupor.

 "Finally."

U tossed Moon a set of keys. 

"It's equipped with everything! Radar, ammunition for the several extra firearms, a video communicator, SO WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER WHEN WE TALK! It also comes with machine guns, 20 standard heat seeking missiles, coffee maker, soda fountain, and a condom dispenser, for when you need them on the go." U winked at Moon, and Moon raised an eyebrow at U's last sentence. 

"Er…okay." 

Moon grabbed the keys and darted off. 

Meanwhile, at the top secret base of the evil gang, Jakie had been instructed to watch over Gellie. Gellie, who was sulking in the corner of her cage-type thing, glanced up and saw one very angry looking hooters girl. 

"You look surprisingly annoyed for some one who is a slut for a living," Gellie commented. Jakie stared. Upper lip curling slightly, she spoke so vindictively even Gellie, who had been trained to work against people who would likely want to kill her, was taken by surprise. 

"First, dearie, it was strictly business," she said, stalking over and staring down at Gellie. She pulled out the shoe Gellie had ruined earlier by cutting off the heel. "_Now _it's personal."   
Gellie raised an eyebrow, stood, and brushed off her trench coat.  

"Well, for one, it's just a shoe, and for two –" 

Jakie raised an eyebrow. 

"JUST a shoe? I'll have you know this a very expensive _Gucci _shoe."   
Gellie snorted.

"How many guys did you have to sleep with to pay for _that?"  
Jakie smirked, eyes flashing. _

"Speaking of which... judging by intellect, by the way, hon, you wouldn't make such a bad slut, either."  
Gellie smirked.

"I'm afraid you master the sport."   
Jakie took yet another step closer to the cage. Gellie advanced, and the two simply stared each other down for a few moments. Finally realizing neither was going to back down, Jakie plunged a hand into her pocket and pulled out a key. 

"Fine, you stupid little fucko. You want a bitch fight? I can give you a bitch fight."   
Gellie, taking this as an opportunity to finally escape Bladinsnoot's clutches, smirked. 

"Bring it on."  
  


While his partner and the whore fought it out, Moon was testing out his new car. To his utter surprise, everything seemed to be just fine. He decided to take it for a spin in the country – partly, because all top-secret evil lairs were in the middle of nowhere, and partly because there he could accelerate to top speed. 

"Okay, U," Moon said, using the video communicator, "how fast does this thing go?"  
U blinked, the shrugged.  

"Pretty fast."   
Moon raised an eyebrow, grinned, and floored it. Something in the quickly approaching distance moved alongside the road. Squinting, Moon attempted to make it out. It was a…herd of cows? Moon scrunched up his face and quirked a brow. He shrugged, and continued at top speed down the road. With the herd of cows quickly approaching, Moon thought of something. 

"Say, U, where are the brakes?"  
On the mini-screen U stared for a second, and then slapped his forehead. 

"I knew I forgot something! Oh well, you can just jump out at your target."  
Moon stared at his speedometer. Going nearly 100 miles per hour, no brakes was not a good thing. He gulped. 

"You…didn't put brakes?"  
U shook his head and started to reply when a girly scream was emitted from Moon. Twenty feet in front of him, the herd of cows had stepped onto the road.  

"FUCK! U!" Moon screamed, swerving off the road. 

"That's not very nice."  
U's obvious statement was the last thing Agent Kurk heard before his high-tech car hurtled into a ditch with a loud crash and he lost consciousness.

While Moon crashed into a ditch to avoid creating undead bovine, Gellie and Jakie resumed fighting. Insults and witty comebacks aside, the two and resigned to merely kicking, screaming, and pulling hair. 

Despite her intense training in hand-to-hand combat, Jakie's desire for shoe-vengeance pulled her through. With a final bitch-slap and kick, she sent Gellie reeling backwards into the side of the cage. The femme gelert groaned and rubbed her head. Jakie cackled insanely. Pulling a knife out from…well, guess, she dangled it in front of Gellie. 

"And now you stupid fucking puta, prepare to –" 

"Jakie, what ARE you doing?"  
Jakie and Gellie both blinked as Bladinsnoot appeared in the doorway, eyebrows raised. 

"I was killing the bitch, sir," Jakie replied, showing him the knife. Bladinsnoot stared.

"No, we need her for hostage negotiations, damn it," he replied. Jakie looked from Bladinsnoot, to the knife, to Gellie. 

"...damn it."  
Bladinsnoot raised an eyebrow. 

"Now nicely put the bitch back where you found her and be on your way," he commanded. Jakie shrugged, pulled Gellie up by the trench coat, and shoved her roughly back in the cage. Slamming and locking the door, she turned and left, but not before calling: 

"Cago en tu leche!"  
  
Kurk groaned and looked around. The car, not-so-cleverly designed by U, had remained in relatively good condition, despite the fact it was overturned in a ditch somewhere, with cows grazing around it. Bruised and battered, but generally none the worse for wear, Kurk managed to pry himself from the upside down car. 

"They don't pay me enough for this," he groaned, as he climbed out the window only to be swatted in the face by a cow's tail. Walking to the top of the ditch, he placed himself upon a rock and stared around. There was nothing in sight. Wait…no, there was one thing. A strange looking factory labeled '_FUNKY MARTINIS'. _The neon sign, however, needed some work. He watched as the F flickered on and off, and finally stayed off. He stared at Funky Martinis for a few minutes, discouraged by the fact that he had absolutely no idea where to start, and the fact that his superiors were dumb asses. Time elapsed, and more letters that formed "FUNKY MARTINIS" plunged into darkness. He sighed. His secret-agent brain was failing him. A cow mooed. Two more letters blanked out. He still had no idea what to do. He stared long and hard at the FUNKY MARTINIS, having no ideas at all. He blinked, groaned, then surveyed his surroundings. A deserted highway. A few elm trees. A herd of cows. And a factory that was now labeled "UK MARTIN." Something clicked. Kurk stared at the building before him, thinking. _Funky Martinis…Unky Martini…Nk Martin...K-mart.__ He blinked, and with the faintest glimmer of hope grabbed a gun and some ammo from the crash, and ran stealthily towards Funky Martinis. _

Kurk slunk into Funky Martinis silently, locked, loaded, and ready. To his surprise, he met no immediate opposition. With a shrug, he slunk farther in. First, he would free Gellie. Then, he would turn his attention to the pressing matter of retrieving toilet paper. Pondering where to start, he headed down a random hallway. Peering left and right, and virtually any direction he could think of, he walked down the corridor with his back to the wall and his gun in hand. Finally coming upon a door, he checked behind his back, and prepared himself for bursting into the room. He was just about ready to kick down the door, when he felt the firm pressure of a gun barrel being nestled in his back. Kurk groaned loudly and raised his arms.   
  


"Drop the gun," Bladinsnoot's random minion, who was named Lupus, by the way, instructed. With a loud sigh Kirk did as instructed. Though common told him to stay quiet, there was a question lingering in the back of his mind that he had to ask. 

"Where the hell did you come from?"  
Lupus glared, not that Kurk could see. 

"Don't question my illogical entrance!"  

"Alright, I shan't, so long as you don't question mine."  
Kurk blinked. Was that voice…? His thoughts were interrupted by a rather sickening sound, followed by a thud. Kurk quickly picked up his gun, and turned around. In front of him was Lupus, speared by a random harpoon and still as a …thing that is still.  

"Where the hell did the harpoon come from?" He said, staring at the body and grimacing slightly.

"I'd say he got the point." 

Canned laughter burst out from nowhere, and Kurk raised an eyebrow, staring with rather distaste at the person before him. It was Stellar. Stellar, the aforementioned best the agency had to offer. Stellar was the one agent who managed to top Kurk in _everything_. He was world renowned to be the wittiest, charming, and handsome world-saving gelert on the planet. Kurk envied him, probably because as far as Kurk was concerned, Stellar got credit for trivial facts. 

"Great. What are, perchance, are you doing here?" Kurk groaned, stepping over Lupus to stare Stellar in the eye. Stellar raised an eyebrow. Because he was, after all, the top, he didn't seem to understand Kurk's hatred towards him. Everyone _else loved him. _

"I finished my other mission;" he said nonchalantly, "Those North Koreans won't be touching drugs for some time, thanks to me." Stellar raised a paw for a high five, but when Kurk simply stared at it he lowered it again. 

"Look, Stellar, I don't _need _your help. I have everything under control. If you'll kindly _leave, I –"_

"Oh, come on, it'll be fine."  
Kurk glared.  

"No. You do _everything_. I'm not letting you take over the most serious mission I've ever received."  
Stellar snickered.

"The most serious mission you've ever received is to recapture the world's supply of toilet paper?"  
 Kurk narrowed his eyes and pointed his gun in Stellar's face. "You need to shut up."  
Stellar quirked a brow.

"You wouldn't touch me. Besides, that gun isn't even loaded."  
Kurk blinked, loaded the gun, and shoved it back in its holster. Stellar looked surprisingly pleased with himself. Kurk glared…more. 

"Stop grinning. I wouldn't kill _any other agents. Not even overly ego-inflated ones such as yourself." _

Stellar's grin faded. 

"You jealous little…uh…" 

"Wow. I am hurt." 

"LET ME FINISH, CONSARN YOU!" 

"Consarn?" 

"I have Illinoisan roots." 

Kurk raised an eyebrow. Stellar jammed his hands in his pockets.  Kurk rolled his eyes and shoved past him. 

"Whatever," he said, glaring over is shoulder, "I'm going to go do my job."  
Stellar raised an eyebrow and jogged a few steps to catch up. He tapped Kurk's shoulder. 

"No you're not. Not without agent 0157 and I."   
Kurk stared for a second. Withholding a snicker, he repeated the agent number to make sure he had heard correctly. Stellar nodded. Kurk snickered. 

"Haa, you have a flaming homosexual partner who's probably only in it because he wants to sleep with you." He then turned and continued down the hall. Stellar caught up again.

"Oh yeah?" he said, glaring slightly. "Well, who's _your partner?"_

"One-two-five."   
Stellar chuckled to himself. Kurk looked annoyed.

"What? What's so funny?" He raised an eyebrow.  Stellar coughed. 

"Oh, nothing. I assure you she's completely straight." He chuckled again. Kurk stared. Stellar snickered again. 

"How did you get here?" Kurk demanded suddenly. Stellar looked at him in surprise.

"Oh, please, the location of this base was completely obvious. If you multiply the number of toilet paper rolls stolen by the square root of 3674874, divide that by 53 the nth power, subtract the first multiple of pi, and add the number of men Madonna's slept with, you get the exact latitude and longitude."  
Kurk raised an eyebrow, clearly wondering if Stellar had any life at all. 

"Oh," he droned, voice monotone, "How silly of me. How could I have missed that? How could I have been so _blind?"  
Stellar shrugged. _

"I dunno, pal."

"Anyway…" Kurk began, attempting to steer to a normal subject, "Where _is _Tril?"

"Off saving Gellie, as instructed."  

"That's…my job." 

"If you would actually do it."  
Kurk groaned and rolled his eyes. Stellar smirked, plunging a checkerboard hand into his pocket. He was, in Kurks' perspective, quite hard to look at, with his pelt both black and white and then a black suit with a white tie and such also. Ladies, however, seemed to love it; Stellar got quite a plethora of fan mail and marriage proposals each day. 

"You're just jealous, you know," Stellar commented, "because I have a more reliable partner." 

"What?" Kurk said, raising an eyebrow. "Gellie's new, of course she's not as experienced as Tril. Besides, I have a …er…straighter partner."  
Stellar stared.

"OH yeah?" He retorted, "Well, I have a gayer partner." 

The childish bickering continued.

"I have a _prettier _partner." 

Stellar was stumped on this one.

"Oh yeah? Well I slept with her thrice!"  
Kurk's face contorted. Stellar bit his lip, apparently having decided he shouldn't have said that. Both were quite glad when this was interrupted by a buzzing from Stellar's pocket. He pulled out a palm pilot. Raising an eyebrow, he said: 

"It's U."  
Stellar propped the palm pilot up so Kurk could see the screen as well. What they received, however, was far from important information. 

"Actually, Stellar, it was four times." 

Stellar raised both eyebrows and Kurk looked both surprised and disgusted at the same time. 

"It was kinda surprising, I mean who would've thought that some one conservative like her would enjoy such kink—"  
He was cut off as both Kurk and Stellar, being the er... "gentlemen" they are, leapt forward, grabbed the palm pilot, and sent it soaring out the window. With that done, Kurk and Stellar took a moment to clear their mind of rather disturbing thoughts. It was at this moment Tril ran in.  

"Sir?"

Stellar brushed himself off and regained the look of superiority he usually wore.

"Yes, Tril?" 

"I found where they are holding one-two-five, sir."  
Kurk's face lit up just slightly. Stellar clapped his hands together. 

"Tril, that's great!" 

"Unfortunately, she's not there anymore. They've moved her. They know we're here."  
Stellar and Kurk exchanged a glance and gulped. 

  
While the plot thickened, Bladinsnoot was pacing about in his room.

"WATO!"  

"Yes, sir?" 

"I don't like this. Kurk doesn't pose much of a threat – he's an ignoramous. But this 'Stellar'…I don't like it. Not one bit." 

"Sir…" 

"Not now, Wato! I need a way of finding out exactly where Stellar and his assistant are! Damnit, why didn't I put cameras in this place?" 

"Sir –" 

"Sssh, I say! What is the best way of tracking down Stellar, hmm? I have the perfect idea for playing with his morals." Bladinsnoot cackled loudly. "But how to find him?" 

"SIR!" 

"Wato, I said SHUT UP."  

"BUT STELLAR SHOPS AT K-MART, SIR."  
Bladinsnoot stared. 

"K-Mart was my best idea yet."   
Wato blinked, staring. 

"But that was my ide—" 

"QUICKLY! TO THE SOCKTRACKER 2000!"  
And so Wato lead Bladinsnoot to the amazing SockTracker2000.  
  
Stellar, Tril, and Kurk were stalking down the hallway silently. Each had out their gun, though from Kurk's point of view Stellar just had his out to keep up with his reputation, and Tril was merely using his as a reflective surface from which to fix his hair. 

"Remember, this isn't going to be easy," Stellar preached, "They've got Gellie, and getting her back is our first mission. Once we have her, the toilet paper will be easier. Gellie's still alive – it's not Bladinsnoot's MO to kill her."  
Kurk rolled his eyes. "MO? You're just trying to look fancy. Bladinsnoot's a first time offender, he doesn't _have _an MO." 

"It appears you haven't done your research, Captain Quirk. Bladinsnoot used to be a Catholic priest – obviously, he has a whole _slew of sexual offences in his records." _

Kurk raised an eyebrow. 

"So you're saying capturing a secret agent is at all like raping religious boys?" 

"…yes."  

"Moron."

"Inferior." 

"Idiot!" 

"SUBORDINATE!"  
The two's back-and-forth squabble was cut off with Tril screamed rather femininely, and proclaimed: 

"We've got a problem, girls,"  
Kurk raised an eyebrow. "Girls?"  
Tril continued as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"Guards at 12 o'clock."   
Stellar checked his watch.

"But it's two…"  
When Stellar looked up from his watch, several of Bladinsnoot's henchmen were surrounding he and Tril, armed heavily. Stellar cast a glance to his right to look for Kurk, yet the agent was not there. Deciding not to mention this aloud, Stellar merely cast an apologetic grin at the guards.  

"Oh, darn. I was just about to get out my Yatzee too."  

While his compatriots were captured, Kurk was slipping down the hall unnoticed. Unlike Stellar, he bought his socks from _target and was not being tracked. Plus, he'd made a swift getaway the instant he realized what Tril had meant by 'girls'. So he was now making his way, unnoticed, hoping to find Gellie._

The guards, three of whom were well-endowed Trail, Zeni and Jakie, dragged Stellar and Tril to a large room. In the room, all of Stellar's worst fears were realized; the walls were vivid pink, and all the trim was yellow. His second worst fears were also realized. In the room, on a rather elevated piece of floor, Bladinsnoot stood, glaring. To Bladinsnoot's right was Gellie, dangling perilously from a thin rope above a large pit of savagely horny pandas on Viagra. To his left, rolls upon rolls of toilet paper dangling over a large pit of water. 

"We meet at last, Mr…uh…Stellar." 

Stellar narrowed his eyes. "So we do, Bladinsnoot, so we do." 

"It appears you have come to stop me! However, you shall find that I am not easily stopped. I believe that life is full of dilemmas. Gay or straight? Left or right? Ketchup or Mustard? Well, Stellar, here you face quite possibly the biggest dilemma of your career. As you can see, I have your pretty Jelly. But, as you know, I _also _have the world's supply of toilet paper. Your choice, Mr Stellar. The life of your pretty companion, or the praise and joy of the world? You have a minute to decide."

Stellar blinked, deep in thought. For one thing, it wasn't really 'his' precious Gellie – she'd broken up with him. The bitch. Besides, the toilet paper was so…papery. 

"I choose the toilet paper."  
Bladinsnoot cackled demonically, and then realized this wasn't the reply he'd been counting on. He shrugged, and pressed a large button. The toilet paper was lowered quietly to safety – but Gellie's rope began systematically snapping. Why not one big snap? It's more dramatic this way. Stellar winced, then shrugged. After all, Kurk would siwng in triumphantly and catch her just before she fell. Because that's always the way it works in the movies. And Stellar was right. Right as the last bit of Gellie's rope snapped, Kurk swung in on his.   
  
Unfortunately, he misjudged by about a foot and slammed into the hard wall while Gellie landed in a pit of horny male pandas. Staggering back to his feet, Kurk grabbed his gun and boldly went where no sane man had gone before: in-between pandas and their interspecies, surprisingly kinky sex. 

"NOOOO! WATO, UNLEASH THE DEATHCOWS!"  
It was then that Wato, for the first time in possibly 15 years, made a critical error. For when he commanded it, no Death Cows emerged. Rather, the Indiana Jones theme began playing on surround-sound. Stellar waited tensely, and obscure sounds filled the room. One part Kurk's obscenities, one part Gellie's screeches, one part the panda's…well lets just call it roaring, and one part the orchestra's version of the Indiana Jones theme. After a few tense minutes of gunfire, Kurk arose triumphantly, looking disheveled but triumphant. He bent over and helped Gellie up. Her clothes were in far worse shape, and she was overestimating her wounds for an excuse to lean into Kurk, but she still managed to look okay. Beside Kurk, and in a cloud of dust with panda corpses all around, it looked like the poster for some cheesy action film. Wait a minute. This _is a cheesy action film.   
  
And so Kurk and Gellie stood tall, reunited at once. That was, until a large 'death cow' plummeted from above and squashed them both.    _

"That was disturbingly erotic." Tril commented. Stellar made a face, and then twitched. 

Bladinsnoot raised an eyebrow as the events unfolded, then cackled insanely as his cleverly named Deathcow sat atop Gellie and Kurk. His laughter got rather carried away. As a matter of fact, he was still laughing insanely when Tril pinned Wato in a corner and Stellar pointed a loaded Glock at his head. Bladinsnoot blinked and stopped laughing. 

"How the hell did you get over here so fast?"   
Stellar raised his eyebrows. "If I were you, I'd shut up. Now remove the cow." 

Bladinsnoot glared.  There was a gun to his head. At the same time, he knew something Stellar didn't – he knew that, fast approaching from above, one of Bladinsnoot's minions was pinpointing Stellar's back as a prime target for his gun. Smiling coolly, Bladinsnoot shrugged.

"Alright, alright. REMOVE THE COW!"  
Two random burly men scurried in and lifted off the cow, which placidly walked off. Kurk pulled himself to his feet, as did Gellie. Gellie brushed herself off and Kurk stretched and cracked his back. 'Twas then something happened Bladinsnoot hadn't quite thought about – Kurk spotted the henchmen. There was a split second of indecision. If he let Stellar die, well, he'd become the best in the business. However, he'd also live with the thought that he neglected to save another agent, and besides, corpses were _so expensive to ship nowadays.  As Bladinsnoot's minion aimed for the last time, Kurk reached for his gun – to discover it gone. There was the loud __CRACK of two gunshots, and Kurk blinked. Bladinsnoot's henchman had fired – he'd missed, however, because at the exact right time he'd been pegged off the balcony by Gellie, who blinked with surprise and satisfaction then pursed her lips and blew over the barrel of the gun. Kurk stared at Gellie, and he noticed Stellar and Tril were too. Bladinsnoot groaned. Another plan awry?   
  
No. Well, that is to say, not yet. It was at that moment Liggifer burst in – behind him, an arsenal of highly trained hookers. While Stellar regained composure and Kurk regained a gun, Liggifer's troops flooded in. With the agents distracted, Wato did something very smart. He reached behind him and pressed the big, round "HIT THIS WHEN STELLAR AND MOON ARE DISTRACTED YOU MORONS IT HIDES THE TOILET PAPER" button. The button was true to its name. And so, from above, fell a wall of cows – conveniently landing around the toilet paper. The agents blinked, then shrugged simultaneously – they had other concerns. Like how to fend off five times as many evil troops, how to capture Bladinsnoot, and if that hot Speedo was going to fit or not. Okay, so that was only Tril's concern. Anyways, our heroes were faced with a daunting task. Fortunately, they were about to receive grand advice, for at that moment Kurk's watch buzzed._

"KURK!" 

Kurk winced. He didn't have time for this. 

"What?" 

"USE THE FORCE!" 

Kurk raised an eyebrow. "The force, sir?" 

"Oh…wait…wrong script." Lupin coughed. "What I meant to say was INCOMING!"   
Kurk took this to mean only one thing. Falling bovine. And so, he tackled Gellie to the side. Sure enough, a large cow fell where the two had been standing. Actually, it wasn't so much a cow as it was a large beam that had somehow snapped off the ceiling. But it looked like a cow. The two blinked at the cow-like beam, then stood up. 'Twas at that point in time that all hell broke loose, and the good and the bad fought viciously. 

Three or four men charged after Stellar, who handled them all with the grace and ease that you only get from Hollywood. Tril had his own problems, but he dealt with them swiftly. Actually, he scared them off using a pickup line involving shoes, but nonetheless was triumphant. Several men charged Kurk, and Jakie was about to join the fray when she was cut off by Gellie. Jakie snickered.

"Back for another ass-kicking, m'dear?" Jakie sneered. Gellie narrowed her eyes. 

"Brain beats bust, hon'."   
And once again the two were caught in a hair-pulling catfight. Only this time they had guns. Roar.   
  
After defeating his opponents, Kurk found himself faced with something most odd; a female Lupe had her hip ajar and was winking. Kurk raised an eyebrow.  

"Agent triple-oh-six – licensed to kill."   
The femme giggled.  

"Agent 2222 – licensed to fuck."   
Kurk stared. "Uh…okay." He raised the gun and decided to do the world a favor. However, the lupess was brighter than you might think, for she grabbed the guy beside her and whipped him in front of her. Okay, maybe she wasn't that smart. The guy was on her side. Kurk stared. Perhaps this wouldn't be as easy as he'd thought.  Ah well. He was entering the type of situation most agent's only dream of – fighting for your life alongside a sexy compatriot in order to save the world's supply of toiletry supplies.   
  
  
 So the battle raged on, the good side progressing slowly. Tril had tied up two men with a long, rainbow handkerchief, Stellar had killed, speared, electrocuted, etc various men all the while making "witty" comments, Kurk was pegging off competitors with the exception of Quadruple-2, who was named, by the way, Lina. Gellie and Jakie, meanwhile, were still cat fighting. Jakie was finally beaten, however, by the oldest trick in the book. 

"LOOK OVER THERE!" Gellie screeched, pointing, in the middle of the fight. Jakie snorted.  

"Nice try, dear," she said, "but um next time go for something more believabl—"  
She was cut short by a large cowbeam swinging from the distance and hitting her in the head. Grinning, Gellie pulled out her gun and dashed back into the fray. Unfortunately, Gellie's dealings with whores were not over. Kurk, having finally gotten rid of Lina by unleashing her necrophilia side via a panda corpse,  was having troubles with Trail. Despite his almighty fighting techniques, her large chest was too much to handle, and she quickly had him in a corner. She cackled. 

"BOOYAH!" Trail grinned demonically. "WHO'S YOUR MOMMA?"   
Kurk raised an eyebrow. 

"You expect me to talk?"   
Trail grinned sadistically.  

"Noo, Mr Kurk, I expect you to –" 

"DIIIIIE!"  
And there was Gellie, interrupting Trail. Tsk. Didn't her mother teacher her anything? Anyway, more to the point, as she lept forward, Gellie produced a dagger and plunged it into Trail's chest. Trail staggered backwards, shocked and gasping. Gellie looked triumphant, and Kurk looked releieved. Trail blinked, pulled out the clean knife, and cackled. Looks of confusion crossed Kurk and Gellie's faces, and so she explained.   

"Implants are the new bulletproof vests."   
Gellie and Kurk raised eyebrows, nodding.  And lo, cornered by a whore with a silicone-d knife were the two lovebirds. Wait…you're not supposed to know that. Only presume due to my expertise in foreshadowing. Ahem.  
  
What, oh what, were they to do? Well, apparently, they didn't need to do much, because Stellar saved both their asses by plowing down Trail with the dump truck his dental floss conveniently morphed into when you pressed the secret button. Ah, the wonders of technology. Using his convenient dump truck he plowed towards the wall of cows…

…and the dump truck stalled half way. Kurk raised an eyebrow. Stellar cursed loudly. Gellie groaned, and she was right – they weren't getting anywhere. It was then, my friends, that Kurk got his brilliant idea. The idea that would save the world, and earn him a place in the hall of fame. And the thought occurred to him when his stomach growled. He blinked, patted his freakishly thin stomach, and called: 

"Hey, where's the beef?"  
There was a roar as all the present DeathCows fled. Kurk, Tril, Gellie and Stellar stared and blinked rapidly. From his pillar, Bladinsnoot gasped. Then he, and his remaining compatriots ran like hell. Kurk groaned and prepared to chase them when he was stopped by Stellar. 

"Let them go, we got what we wanted."   
And so they had. The world's supply of toilet paper was safe once more.  
  
_Epilogue_

'Twas a month after the Agency's incredible victory, and much had changed. Well…not really. Anyway, it was the best time of the year – yes, that's right, it's Income Tax Time. Other than that, the _other, less known but equally great _aspect of the timeframe was that it was the Agency's Annual Award Thinger. Yes, thinger was part of the title. (We're talking about a company ran by Lupin here, folks.) 

"I'm proud to award 'Most Joyful Agent' to Mr Trilades Afolix! Tril is so happy that, indeed, he specified he was gay on his application. Let's give him a big round of applause!" 

"_Best Rookie of the Year_ goes to, quite obviously, Miss Gellie D. Onut for her incredible work in Operation TP.  She displayed excellent skill beyond that ever expected of a first-timer, so let's give her a big hand!"

"And now, my minions," Lupin said, hosting the show like he always did, "the most prestigious award, and most hoped for. I assure you, this is not because of the 15% raise. Oh, no, it is most wanted because of such HONOR it brings."  
There were muffled snorts from the audience. Lupin continued. 

"The award? The _Best Agent of the Year award!"   
There was scattered applause. _

"This year, we have a great recipient. He wins this award for the use of cool logic, intelligence, and intellect, as well as loyalty and all that shit. His mission this year was vital, and we couldn't have done it without him."  
Lupin droned on, and in the audience Gellie turned and smiled at Kurk.  Kurk grinned slightly and shrugged. 

"And so, for being underestimated but incredibly valuable, I am proud to present this award to…Stellar!"  
Kurk's grin fell. Stellar stood up and began bowing. 

"Thank you, thank you. It's my fifth time and I'm still surprised!"  
The audience, excluding Gellie and Kurk, laughed loudly. Kurk raised an eyebrow.  

"Anyway, I'd like to thank the Academy…my great partner, Tril…" He sniffed and wiped a tear from his eye. "I love you, man. AND GOD! I'D LIKE TO THANK GOD! THANK YOU SWEET JESUS! I KNEW THOSE WEEKS AT THE CONVENT WOULD PAY OFF!" He got down from the stage. Gellie and Kurk blinked twice.   
  
With the ending of the Award show came the start of the company party. I can't say it was exciting. Tril spent the time checking out Kurk. Kurk spent most of the time glaring at Stellar. Stellar spent the time staring at Gellie's ass. Gellie spent the time staring at Lupin, who spent the time getting drunk, quite successfully. Several martinis later, he was able to make one competent announcement. 

"Laidies and gentlemen, I have received word of our next mission. It's a little unorthodox." 

A random agent asked: "Where does it take place?"   
Lupin posed dramatically, and a spotlight fell on him. Everyone stared. When Lupin spoke, he did so in a scarily deep voice.  

"Space. The _final frontier."   
  
_Credits __

Cast of characters:  
Kurk: Moon__Stone   
Lupin: _Lupin_ 

Gellie: Gelertiti  
Bladinsnoot: _Shad0wblade_  
Liggifer: Lgneous   
Wato: Watori  
Jakie: Jakitaa  
Trail: Trailblaizer  
Lupus: ..O_0  
U:   
Lina: lxl_lina_lxl  
Tril: Trilades  
Zeni: Benzon  
  
My username on neopets is sannabelle, for any of you uneducated people. Feel free to drop me a line there or on AIM (Thee Kali). The characters beside Moon (he's mine) are © their respective owners. 


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